Diaries of the Unwilling
by stripedpenguinsocks
Summary: They're the last entry to the Tsundere's Diaries that explains their past a bit and how they came to be how they are. Warning:There's talk of homophobia (not towards them) and this is def not my best work but then again when do I ever write anything good oops. There's also not a ton of shipping stuff so. (SEQUALISH TO HOW TO WIN A TSUNDERE'S HEART)
1. Arthur

Awhile ago handthigh on tumblr requested a small sequelish thing to How to Win A Tsundere's Heart so here it is!

They're the last entry to the Tsundere's Diaries that explains their past a bit and how they came to be how they are. Warning:There's talk of homophobia (not towards them) and this is def not my best work but then again when do I ever write anything good oops. There's also not a ton of shipping stuff so.

Also, these sort of deal with a bit darker of topics. I am so sorry if I ever overstep bounds, I am getting all of my information off of either other stories that I have read or experiences from my own life or people I know. If I ever over step somewhere, please tell me so I may fix it.

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Dearest Diary,

Life hasn't always been easy. It never really is for anyone, but it's just a bit tougher on some people.

When I was younger I had three older brothers and another younger one on the way. And well… it wasn't easy. My oldest brother had issues of his own that seemed to hurt me almost as much as it hurt my parents. Older brothers were supposed to be the ones who took care of the younger ones. Or at least that's the way society and books always depicted the normal family household as. But I learned at an early age that books are an escape from reality, not reality itself.

My brother wasn't abusive or anything, he just had demons I suppose. They haunted him, and made him do bad things like smoke and drink and have a shit ton of sex with random hussies. My parents had to watch him carefully.

The twins, my other older brothers, got into trouble in a different way. They seeked attention in ways that included breaking random things and blaming it on me or each other. Which demanded another good portion of my parents attention.

And of course, dear Peter. I despised him for a while. The only way I had gotten any real care from my parents was from being the baby. My parents of course were the best parents that they could have been. Wish they would've learned how to properly use a condom, or stop trying for a girl when they already had a few problem children. But they were parents I still wouldn't trade. Peter did nothing to deserve my years of detestation, and I realized that somewhere in my late junior high years. I wish that I had come to that conclusion faster, then maybe we could have banned together. He was the one who truly had it bad.

Yes, I had to take care of Allistor for a number of years. Grow up faster than I should have had to. But I was never alone.

My neighbor, Alfred and his younger twin brother Matthew were always there to play with me. To hang out with me whenever Allistor was acting up or the twins were being reprimanded. I always had a place to call safe and I was always surrounded by people who cared about me truly.

I wish I could have realized that I didn't need my parents undying attention or love because I had someone else's. I just never took the time to notice.

But poor Peter was always alone. Coddled like there was no tomorrow, but born so many years after the rest of us that he was alone in ways that didn't necessarily mean not being surrounded by people. I should visit more often.

My childhood conclusion was that love was something to be desired, but never obtained. Because people can say that they love you, maybe even show it on certain occasions, but it's something that was always taken back. Fleeting.

Allistor had come back heartbroken and fucked up too many times for me to not believe it. And my parents had broken too many promises for me to be skeptical of a ten year olds conclusion about one of the most powerful forces in the world. Universe.

And that was my belief on the matter for a great number of years. I saw no flaws with it.

But remember that childhood friend? My neighbor? Alfred, not Matthew (though I do care about him too). He's weird. An anomaly in my otherwise perfect data. I thought of him as nothing but a friend for a long time, maybe because I've never thought that I should be liking people as something else. I was like my parents, never good with promises, so how could I promise my love to another person? I never allowed myself to think that way, maybe a passing thought if someone was particularly attractive, but I never thought that I should be someone who would be in a committed relationship.

It was just obvious to me, it was something that only truly great people were worthy of.

It's not that I thought lowly of myself. It was more just a matter of fact for me. People who were in love or relationships we're not people like me. Nothing in common. Simple as that.

Alfred had always been someone special to me though. My junior high self would have called it what best friends felt towards other best friends. My last year self would have called it stupid, and just an Alfred thing. But my now self knows it's much more than that.

As you have heard, my dear diary, there have been a number of events that have happened. Each one different and unique and leaving me feeling stranger than the last. This year was something of an adventure.

Alfred always had a way of making reality seem like a storybook.

He's my everything now. He could have possibly been like this for me since forever ago considering the layers of denial i've been buried under. It's weird for me to even say something like this in my head. It's such a foreign concept, and I haven't quite gotten used to it. Me, Arthur Kirkland, in a loving relationship with a wonderful person. It sounds like a lie.

He holds my hand now like he used to hold my hand back when we were kids. I was always a bit of a klutz and he would have to help me walk along the rocks whenever we played by the river. It makes me wonder if he's always felt this way about me. And if he has, I wonder how many times he thought of just stopping.

I remember how hard junior high would've been without him. He can make the rest of the world disappear without even thinking about it, and I'd only be able to focus on how much better he was than I at simple card games or drawing trees. It distracted me from Allistor's growing suspension record. The twins havok. Peter's relentless crying. For the hours we were together it was just us two. He always distracted me from anything else going on, it was like he was magical. He is magical. The number of times I came to him crying only to leave smiling less than an hour later is too high to count. He was always there, and I took it for granted for many years without even truly knowing that I was. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he ever was ever sick of me coming to him for help.

These past few months were something out of a hellish dream. Alfred pulled stunts that I wouldn't have ever believed if I hadn't lived through them. He's brash and loud, but patient and willing to do anything for me. Which I think is the most wonderful thing in the entire universe. He never snapped at me, and I think he knew that I wasn't going to believe that he loved me more than a friend the first time. Or the second. Or third. Or fourth. I must have been stressful and frustrating to deal with a number of times, but he never showed it. If I were to trust my heart to anyone, it would be him. I can say that now with confidence. I hate myself for making him have to prove it to me so many times. It wasn't my intention to be this difficult. I wonder if he ever thought that I wasn't worth all of this trouble.

I wish I could repay Alfred for not giving up on me, god knows it must have been pretty damn hard.

My life isn't as sad as this entry makes it out to be. Reading this over, I sound like a rather depressing person with a lot of self-worth and emotional issues (not that I don't have any). I'm actually a fairly happy person if you know me. Grumpy and annoyed sometimes, but I'm happy with how my life has turned out and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Especially now.

Alfred is going to call me from America in twenty minutes. And he's going to make it seem as if the time and distance that has separated us is nothing more than a dream by telling me he loves me. And I'm going to say it back. And well, that's more than I ever thought I was going to get.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland


	2. Lukas

Dear Diary,

I suppose I've only written in you whenever something catastrophic happens or whenever I needed to let something out. And this time isn't really different.

I don't have a problem. Or more like, that is the problem. For the first time in my life I feel oddly… at peace. Maybe this is more of Matthias' doing.

I was a kid who was moved around for a good portion of my life and had seen some things that kids probably weren't supposed to. All things for my growing years were temporary.

As I have mentioned briefly before, I have two mothers. You'd think that in this day an age that wouldn't be a problem. Tumblr would probably have a fit if they found out what my parent's had to go through while I was growing up.

Growing up probably isn't the right term for it, maybe until I was seven and we finally settled down in a nice town that didn't care about us. But before then it was weird. I never really had much time to make attachments and my cold persona that I put on kept other kids from talking to me. So I guess when Matthias came up to me that time during recess I was too surprised to say anything to thwart him off. I never made new friends. After you lose the first twenty from either moving or discrimination you learn.

By the time Matthias decided he wanted to be my friend I was already quite skeptical of affection. It was a word that existed in my dictionary, but was exclusively for family. My moms taught me that love was love no matter what and that they would love me regardless of who I was. It was unconditional. It came from years of being told the opposite and I wasn't immune to hearing what people said about them. My mom and mor are the strongest people I know, and I hope Emil never has to see them the way I have.

Broken and damaged.

I love my mothers. I never want them to cry or feel bad. But at six or seven there isn't much you can do. Other parents would whisper and I could feel my mor's grip on my hand tighten whenever she would come to pick me up. On days when everyone's staring got to be too much she would cry at night. She still wore a bright smile for me though, and I even got pancakes and a sorry. But she didn't have anything to be sorry for. I'm highly aware that people call me antisocial and I think they think it's because other kids bullied me into being that way. I think my parents blame themselves for how I act now, but they really shouldn't.

It wasn't their fault. It was everyone else's. All the people who didn't see that love was a natural right.

I wasn't sure who I could trust when I was younger. Most kids didn't understand why I had two mothers, but if I explained it to them they wouldn't really think too much of it. That's the thing with most kids, they'd make a face at most, maybe the mean ones would tease, but more often than not it would be like explaining why it rained to a kid. Okay now they know, still don't really get it, but eh. Whatever lets just go back to playing tag. Kids are one thing, they didn't know about social norms, it was their parents that I had to worry about.

I protected myself from the ones that would be ripped away from our friendship the moment that their parents found out about mine, sure. But I knew that it hurt my moms more than it hurt me. It took me awhile to notice. Why all the kids wouldn't want to play with me anymore, and then why we had to move again. We could never find a place to call home. A place where it was safe to be us.

I started to lie. A lot. I'd tell my parents that things were fine at school and that I had a lot of friends. I don't think I'd ever seen them so happy or relieved. But the cold truth was that I didn't make friends. I'd distance myself from the other kids, because I knew that our friendships wouldn't last. My friendships with other kids had only meant pain for my mom's, and I sure as all hell didn't want to be the reason they were sad. It's easy to say you're just going to ignore what everyone says, but it's harder to do it.

I think they thought that I was mute at one point. I talked less and less and lost that innocent smile my mom loved so much. I knew everything people said about them and I hated people for it. No one was worth smiling at, let alone my words. I wasn't that innocent anymore since I knew how hard they had it. The metaphorical truck of how adulthood was shit hit me with its full force.

We moved again when we adopted my brother. My lies had worked and the only reason we were moving again was to get a bigger house. I had put on my whole cold and stoic, don't talk to me attitude and marched into school.

I lied and said that I made five friends that day when the truth was that I played all alone.

The next day my lie was less of a lie. That was the day Matthias became my friend. It shocked me how much I enjoyed his company and I couldn't let myself cut him off. It was a risk that my younger self was willing to take. And I thank god everyday that I did.

And then, as if by magic, my lie wasn't a lie at all. I made friends with Matthias' help, and he showed me how it's okay to trust other people. I met Tino and Berwald and they are now two of my closest friends. I was still on edge, but it was the first time I ever considered staying friends with people.

My mom said I was smiling again, she cried when I asked if Matthias could come over.

Matthias' parents are never home. Maybe that's part of the reason why I trusted him. He opened up to me the second day we hung out at lunch in a very Matthias fashion. Nonchalant for a serious topic. He still had his childish innocence to break. His parents were always away and his babysitter didn't speak much english, only danish. That day was also the day that I learned that danish wasn't just something I got to eat when I was good.

But I think it was around that time that I found myself in a place where I didn't have to worry. I haven't seen my parents cry in grief since. They're happy. They have each other and that's all that really matters.

To be honest I think they knew I was lying before at my old schools. But with Matthias around, they didn't have to worry about me anymore.

That isn't to say that being friends with Matthias changed everything I thought. I was still not sure who I could trust with my feelings, who would judge me for being who I was. If humans had the capacity to make others tear themselves up over something as innocent as love then what chance did I stand? I knew in my heart that Matthias wouldn't ever, but my brain said that logically he could.

I'm not sure how long it was before I was undeniably attached to him. I was able to make friends and function better in social situations because of him. I was able to place trust in humanity again because of him.

Love was something that everyone had a right too, but it had to be earned. You have to deserve it. To trust it.

I will probably spend my life trying to make myself worthy enough to deserve the amount of love Matthias has given me over the years. Spend my life trying to repay him for what he's done for me and what I've put him through. But I know I won't be alone.

This year was something else, with all that stuff that he pulled. He was willing to make himself look stupid for me. Willing to let others talk about him for me.

Matthias is a gift that I don't think humanity deserves. He always sees the good in things. I hope he never changes. All his quirks are things I can't get enough of. I love him and no amount of whisperings will ever change that fact.

~Lukas Bondevik


	3. Lovino

Dear Diary,

This is probably the fortieth time I've written that and I still sound like a fucking chick in a disney movie.

Did you know it's easy to trick someone into thinking that you love them? My parents for example. My mother was left pregnant with twins, abandoned by the person that supposedly loved her. And then us, Feliciano and I, abandon by her. Then a few years later I saw that bitch again when she dropped Sebastian off and booked it the hell outta there.

My grandfather said that's part of the reason why I didn't think loves real. Apparently children are very impressionable, because young minds are like sponges or some shit like that.

I never really thought of how my childhood affected how I thought. I suppose that in a sense I never really believed people when they said they loved me, or anything. But I thought that was normal, I mean. My biological parents loved each other one moment, then they didn't. Who was to say that everyone wasn't lying when they said that. We all do leave each other eventually because death is still a thing. It's even in wedding vows, 'till death do us part'.

Love is a lie. That was my strong belief for a while. All the examples of love that I was given had been terrible. My parents. My grandpa was divorced. My brother was coddled constantly by everyone else around us so I hated him for a while for it. Loved him like a brother was supposed to, but to me it wasn't real love. Ergo, every time I said 'love you Feli, night' it was a lie. I love my brother now despite how air headed he can be, but i truly disliked him as kids.

I didn't think that my beliefs would ever change, cause why the fuck would they? I've been told I'm pretty stubborn. I'm not going to say that girly shit like 'the minute I met Antonio everything changed or the moment I realized I loved him my beliefs were #shook' (yes Arthur, Lukas, I read what you guys wrote you pansies.) cause that would be another lie. Things started to change before I met him, it started with my brother.

My brother is a guy who can easily love, which puts my grandpa's theory of 'Lovino acts like that cause abandonment' into question. As I said earlier, I hated him. But I guess over time he grew on me, in his own Feliciano way. By the time high school rolled around he, Sebastian, and grandpa were the only two people I loved with all my heart as mushy as that sounds. The whole love thing was growing on me I guess.

But love leaves. Feliciano and that stupid potato bastard are probably going to run off into a field of flowers and chocolate and then Sebastian the same with whoever he finds to love. Then it was just gonna be me and our grandfather till he kicks the bucket. Sure they'll love me, but I'll still be left alone.

Point being, love that doesn't leave is a lie was my new thesis in high school. Oh hell yeah it exists, but not abandoning you? Yeah right. Maybe that old guy had some truth to his own theory.

It came to the point of how do you know someone's not going to leave? Cause you never know, never can know for certain.

But you could trust someone not to leave.

How do you trust someone not to is the real question then I suppose. I put little faith into a lot of people. I asked people to do things, keep secrets, but not really expecting them to actually do it. Antonio was a person who wasn't much different from the others.

Antonio's stupid personality though. He always made me feel oddly comforted and safe, and I hated it. I started to trust him, I could feel myself starting to whenever he smiled at me and did whatever I asked. He saved my ass a bunch of times with random things, like homework excuses or late night coffee runs. I trusted him to be there when I needed him.

I still do.

Isn't that something? I trusted him even before all the things that he did this year. This crazy fucking year. But I guess I never would have realized how much I actually did if it weren't for all that stuff. My stupid subconscious trust.

But I don't think that I'm going to give up that trust. Not till I join grandpa up with the angels, and then maybe not even then.

Reading this outloud to myself was painful, mostly cause this was the most I've ever talked about my past and all the weird feelings I get with Antonio. He's someone I trust and its just that easy. I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that I trust him for the rest of my life, no matter how terrifying that can be sometimes. Cause I love him.

From,

Lovino

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 **I love you guys so much and I'm sorry this is kinda trash... but thanks so much for the positive comments and everything on How To Win A Tsundere's Heart! I couldn't be happier, I think I teared up a bit at the feedback! THANK YOU GUYS, LOVE YOU SM.**

 **~Penguin**


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